It’s half past three in the morning and I’ve just finished wrapping up for the day. I wonder if you have too. I remember worrying about your schedule a long time ago. I remember worrying about it yesterday and right now in this moment. Except, it’s a wondering worry; the one’s you can’t stop from being so you try not to notice it. Say, do you take coffee shots in the mornings that were preceded by nights like these? I haven’t had coffee in a while. And I can’t remember the last time I went to the cafe that made coffee the way we liked it – bitter and strong.
It’s been a while since I skipped a step to fall in step with you. But I’m not sure if my feet have noticed that yet. People ask me how you’re doing. I tell them you’re doing well. I hope you are. Sometimes they ask a bit more and I have to blame our hectic schedules and your lazy bum for my lack of knowledge. But social media keeps me informed and I don’t know how strong my accusation is.
It’s been a while and I’m not sure how long. But I miss you. I don’t miss you always and neither is it the overbearing kinds. But I miss you sometimes, now and then. You cross my mind, sometimes. When my hand reaches out for the phone to ask you how your day went; when I come across something that you’d like; when I’m doing something that we’d normally do, I think of you – now and then. I miss you in the small, insignificant ways. It’s a subconscious kind of missing. And so when I cross old paths, you cross my mind too. Just sometimes.
But then I saw you across the road the other day, laughing and giggling with a group of five more and I saw you look right at me yet, look right through me. It reminded me of my subconscious missing that I’ve refused to acknowledge. It reminded me that you could still hurt me and agonize me. It reminded me of what it was when I was the one you were giggling with.
I saw you get distracted. I saw how unsaid words and, avoided confrontations and, needed understanding broke into fights and tears. I saw you pull away and saw me become a just another someone you came by. I watched us break, fragment by fragment as I tried to join us back frantically, mixing up pieces through hazy eyes; I… I watched us break. I watched the bricks of a beautiful tower that I had started building fall apart, one by one. And everything is broken now and I wish you could see what I see; understand what I needed you to understand and, just tell me that you don’t like this and, you don’t want this and, you miss the small things and the small things that felt big… I wish you’d tell me that you miss me; that you miss us. I wish you’d walk over from your side and stand by me to see my nine to your six. I wish you’d tell me that you want to fix us and don’t want to run a bulldozer over our tower and lose it all.
But you won’t. Because you don’t see what I see. Because I saw myself become a part of your past. Because I saw myself become a stranger in the crowd for you.